Playoff Wrap Up: Dildos

I have this nasty habit of getting myself wrapped up in certain shows I'm watching. Too much PTI led me to name one of my teams "Pardon the Domination" and I strongly consdiered changing it to "I <3 Sarah Chalke" (that's a heart) because I was OD'ing on 'Scrubs' reruns on Comedy Central.

So, anywho.... Adult Swim's been running Metalocalypse every weeknight now, so I've got one of the character's voices stuck in my head. Unfortunately, he's supposed to be Swedish and so he pluralizes words that are singular and vice versa. He also refers to everyone and everything he hates as "dildos". I originally had the 'brilliant' idea of writing this as him, but judged the risk vs. reward ratio to not be in my favor.

Still, I figured if the 'gurus' out there were still doing their jobs (I'm still doing mine!) they'd probably look at these past four games and, needing a paycheck, foolishly recommend that certain players leap up in the rankings for next year. Let's call these players 'dildos' because while they offer momentary satisfaction, they're not the real thing, baby!

• Mark Clayton (BAL, 6 rec, 73 yds): I said this already when responding to a Sportsline article touting fellow BAL WR Demetrius Williams (who posted a goose egg), do you really want to waste a middle round draft pick on a guy who's QB is Steve McNair and is thus one play away from his QB being Kyle Boller? Also it looks like while they'll bring in Rick Neuheisel to be O-coord, Billick will still call the plays (how does this work? Billick calls plays from Neuheisel's playbook or does Rick just run the practices?). Regardless, you NEVER know who's going to make the grabs for them any given week. Don't forget, there's still Todd Heap and Derrick Mason (an old McNair bud from their Titan days).


• Rashied Davis (CHI, 4 rec, 84 yds): now, THIS is where those 'gurus' will try and earn their money. Come fantasy draft time, they will most likely be touting either this guy or Mark Bradley as the heir apparent to Mushin Muhammad and gushing over how he and Berrian make a "potent 1-2 combination". Don't buy into it! Grossman will throw to ANYONE. Sunday just happened to be Davis' moment to shine. They've still got Desmond Clark at TE and two solid running backs (one of which COULD be a dildo but damned if I know which one right now).


• Devery Henderson (NO, 1 rec, 35 yds): Formerly nicknamed "Delivery", he hasn't really brought the mail lately. Joe Horn's status for next year will determine where the 'gurus' rank Henderson, but just realize he's short (but fast) and can disappear for games at a time.

I thought long and hard (get it?!) about sticking Jabar Gaffney in here, but... man.... did you SEE the game today? After last week, I was thinking he was the next Bethel Johnson but now he could definitely be the David Givens to Caldwell's Deion Branch.

I'm also concerned about Brian Westbrook for next year. There's a small degree dildo potential if McNabb returns and starts winging it all over the field. Westbrook will still get his yards, but TDs may be tougher to come by. He could be 'the next Tiki Barber' in more ways than one.

So, be careful out there come draft day. Don't get reamed, ok?