Sunday Low Five: Mocking Sportsline's latest article

Now that the season is over, backward cap wearing idiot #1 over at CBS Sportsline has hastily put together a list of resolutions (1 for each team). Well, this is why I got into this game in the first place: tearing 'experts' a new one! If I'm Captain Common Sense, this guy must be Captain Obvious. Let's begin, shall we?

• Oakland: he says "a whole new offense". I say...ummm... yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Way to go out on a limb there!


• Detroit: he says "a fill-in for Kevin Jones". I say, "I hope said fill-in is NOT named Marshall Faulk, and while you're at it, how about better all-around play from John Kitna?"


• Cleveland: him: "a QB that's better in the 4th quarter". Me: I haven't seen any Cleveland games this year so I have no idea how bad their QBs were in the fourth. Instead, how about a head coach with a clue and some passion, rather than the stoic Romeo Crennel?


• TB: him: a new left side of the O-line. Me: Improved health for Cadillac, a #2 WR and a TE so Gruden can finally run the West Coast offense the way it was meant to be run.


• Arizona: him: a new O-line. Wow! Really? What a stretch! Improve the unit that was the biggest question mark coming INTO the '06 season. Way to reach out to all those Edge owners, guy! Instead, how about improvement for Leinart?


• Washington: him: a healthy Portis. Me: it goes well beyond that. They'll need continued maturation from Jason Campbell and a solid #2 WR as well.


• Minnesota: him: new WRs. Me: and a new QB and a new TE and a "win the division and you can shave my porno-stache" guarantee from head coach, Brad Childress.


• San Fran: him: a new QB. Me: WHAAAAAA???? Alex Smith was 'okay' this year and next year he'll be in Year 2 of the Norv Turner offense. How about instead SF decides whether they want to stick it out with Antonio Bryant and the problems he causes?


• Houston: him: everything BUT the receivers. Me: yeah, 'cuz Eric Moulds was a STUD this past year! Houston could be the next Denver - the place where any RB can get 1000 yards, so I don't think they need a RB. Oh and Jake Plummer is NOT the answer, either. If bringing him lights a fire under David Carr, that tells you something about David, does it not?


• Miami: him: a better O-line. Me: that's a good start, but Daunte still has yet to show he can succeed without Randy Moss, regardless of the O-line.


• Atlanta: him: better WRs ("that's easy", he adds). Me: "that's TOO easy," I say! Instead, how about picking an offensive philosophy and sticking to it for more than 2 weeks. Are you a running team that only passes when it has to? Or are you going to bend over backwards trying to prove Vick can be a stud passer?


• Green Bay: him: Favre's return. Me: well, that'd be good b/c then you'd always know what D to start when your opponent has Favre, I guess.


• Buffalo: him: a new O-line. Me: Geez, can you be any less insightful? How about better health for McGahee and continued improvement from Losman, cuz you can't pin ALL his woes on the O-line.

And, that's it. He doesn't do every team, just the 'offensively-challenged' ones. How nice. What about a good reaming out for Rex Grossman (oh, wait, that'll come after Chicago gets bounced from the playoffs)? What about solid QB play for JAX, regardless of who's back there (and WRs who can catch, too)? What about hooking Delhomme up to the juvenation machine so he can recapture the magic of 2 years ago? What about health for Larry Johnson, who just broke the single-season record for rushing attempts? The last guy to set the record, Jamal Anderson, broke down very VERY quickly after he set his record.